Many of you have figured out by now that there is a level of expectation when I listen to folks. They expect they are safe to tell me anything. Which is generally true, but has limits both morally and legally.

So, imagine my surprise and disgust when this was used against me to allow a man to share his adulterous escapades and then proceed to see if I, too, am interested. After not hearing from one of my husband’s fellow Soldiers with whom we both worked for 4 years, I was delighted to “catch up.” Sadly, “catching up” quickly turned into him “admitting” his attraction for me and how he had successfully had relationships with other unit wives. That was the moment both morally and legally I was no longer limited to keeping his secrets. He crossed the line. After I caught my breathe I went to my husband and shared the whole text stream. Then I called a friend who may also be at risk of being slimed. And slimed it is. I really feel like he pulled me into his slimy embrace and I got slimy in the process.

Why so slimy? Because he was a “friend.” Or at least I thought he was. We (my husband and I) sent him care packages when he was deployed and we spent many working moments at the unit just being friendly as should happen in a high stress military environment. So yeah, I feel slimed. I let him into my inner circle and he misused my trust.

I feel angry, too. Really angry. He set me up with the famous words: “I am nervous about telling you because you are a woman of the cloth.” To which, I responded, “It goes with the territory. I hear lots of things. Go ahead.” That means I invited him into that safe space! I am angry because someone out there will equate that invitation into my looking “good,” or wearing seductive clothing and thus “asking for it.” And failing that, some may argue pastoral privilege- but trust me, I have never been his pastor and he didn’t claim that privilege. Even if he did, it has limits for my personal safety and wellness attached to it.

I am angry that he thought I am the a person who if I was unhappily married might choose to have an affair rather than deal with my relationship (he clearly stated unhappy marriages happen and he benefits- this is not a judgement on anyone but HIM and his assumptions). I am angry that my husband had to trust slimeballs like this to help care for his wife and family while he was away- and that all the other soldiers were trusting wives and families to him. (Please note, not all Soldiers are men, but this guy seems straight so I assume only wives will be his prey).

Mostly, I am angry that he now makes me afraid to put on makeup or a nice outfit. He makes me afraid to have straight male friends because I have never been harmed by a man I didn’t know. It has always been a man in my circles of life- men who have gained trusted access and violated it. Every man who laid a hand on me or molested me was trusted by either me or my family. Even the man who attempted to have his way with me was trusted by my husband and me to be part of our circle of support in our military family.

And finally, I am angry that his lack of self worth that causes him to hit on married women rather than single ones made me complicit in some way to his poor choices. I feel dirty because of him- slimy. And I am mad about that.

When men choose to make inappropriate advances, they do not do so in a bubble. Their nasty intent leaves a mark on the soul of their victims. They don’t have to succeed in getting what they want to do harm. The mere move to try for it makes a victim. Now, I will question every straight man in my life- again. Even the ones I love very much and have known for over 20 years. Even the ones who are my husband’s best friends. Even the ones who seem like good guys. That angers me for them- because they don’t deserve to be treated like that and I shouldn’t have to expend that energy to treat them like that.

And after all the sadness and anger comes exhaustion. I am tired of being hurt like this. I am tired of being someone else’s twisted fantasy. I want to be who I am, shiny, beautiful, smart, and bold, without feeling like I have to hide or diminish any of that because some random guy thinks that means invitation. I am tired of trying to be both shiny and cautious. It’s exhausting.

I don’t know how I will feel tomorrow- but right now- today, the day this happened, I feel all these things and the one truth that keeps rising up is that I need to let myself feel all of that and then I need to share it- because speaking truth is power. My power to overcome his slime comes in the community we are together after and in the midst of this garbage.

I don’t expect you to fix this. I don’t want you to make me feel better- that is for me to do when I am ready and not one instant before that. I do want, hope, and expect you to hold this space for me to be angry, sad, and tired- safely. I even invite you to be angry with me, or if you need, to share your own slime moment. And tomorrow, when this happens to you or yours and I am rested and recovered, I promise I will do the same for you. And maybe, hopefully, and soon, there will not be a need for this. But for now…

Together we are stronger.