This morning a doctoral student, Francisco Herrera (@PolyglotEvangel on twitter), whom I deeply respect, shared this image.

I will not lie. I responded like a dropped box of dog biscuits. Some of me shattered, some of me hid, some of me was gobbled up, and all of me was a confused spread out mess.

The ensuing conversation was enlightening. I heard anger, pain, frustration, ignorance (mine included), laughter, recognition, awareness, and even apology.

I started to respond and realized I was turning my response into a therapy session. This was not his to hold. It is mine… and my blog page to hold. For those who don’t know it yet, if you are subscribed or reading this, you are getting my thoughts on stuff. In other words, my journal where I work through my life, faith, and luggage. So here is what I am working through today.

The first part of me hid when I read this BINGO card and the responses- biscuits that scatter under counter tops and corners) I don’t know what half of these are (for real!) and I suddenly felt inferior and uneducated. Which is the whole point of buzz words and secret language. To show us who is “in”(doctrinated) and who is not.

The second part of me laughed. As if using “the” in Jesus name clarifies who we are talking about and we weren’t aware. “How elitist,” I thought… and then I also thought… “but I have never even heard of this!” See, secret language?

The next part of me was gobbled up. Yep- heard of Mary Oliver. Yep, took a selfie of me in worship once. I was ok with those. I recognized myself and didn’t feel bad, but also, I don’t really participate in them much… so even deal.

Then the defensiveness kicked in. You see, I was raised up pretty conservatively. I passed in purity culture but was secretly damaged goods due to molestation. I knew who I should let “influence” me and who I should just “avoid,” along with who I was to submit to: pretty much the whole damned world unless they were younger and also female.

So when I heard folk responding, “Why should I say more?” I was defensive. I was afraid they were going to take away one of my saving graces. My entire life I was told to be quiet, submissive, and demure. But I am NOT. In any way. I am fire. I am much-ness. I take up space and have opinions and I am smart to boot! When I learned this is classic for an Enneagram 8 (which I identify with) and which Richard Rohr writes about, I was mad!

“How dare you take away my ability to finally know without a doubt that I am not a bad woman of faith, but a wonderfully created part of a world of many types!” Eights take up so much space. They just do. To try to negate that is to deny my very nature. To know it and lean into it in healthy ways has freed me to share my space willingly and lovingly, not defensively or in forced submission. I was mad this tool for my freedom to be me was up for debate. Wasn’t everyone freed by this? Language as weapon or tool?

When I was asked to “say more” in CPE, for the first time someone was listening and gave me the floor. For the first time, someone was really asking me to have my opinion and even explain why. I was not only given permission to speak, but encouraged to do so. At this time, I am unwilling to give up this tool that I use regularly for folks who have been dismissed, diminished, and silenced. But then again. Francisco didn’t ask me to give up the tool. He just needed to lament it being used as a weapon.

Because “say more” is also used as a trap. That is what I learned today. Folks are told to “say more” and then they are cornered by their words, gas lit, or attacked. So why should they say more????? What if they don’t want or need to explain and their statement is enough all on it’s own but we are asking for entry to trap them? Language as a weapon.

Language can harm and heal, it can inform us of who is “in” or not. It can free or entrap us. I grew up tightly corsetted and seminary and CPE (pastoral chaplaincy) ripped those laces apart. The language of “pushing back” sliced through the barriers so I could “disagree” as a “woman of faith.” “Authentic” unraveled mandates to stop hiding my wings with fire on them. And most importantly, I needed radical Jesus.

Because of the radical nature of Jesus ministry being clearly laid out for me, I was no longer trapped on my island of conservative limitations. Those words were tools to gain freedom. I cling to them even after I have escaped. They are the connection to sanity as I remind myself from where I have come and it was not a lie or a bad dream, but once my reality (think Tom Hanks and Wilson).

With my education that so many cannot afford or do not have access to, I was given tools to accomplish my own freedom. Today I learned that although this has freed me to love myself and so many others whom I was told were off limits, it is not freedom for everyone. I look back now and recall my approval interview when I was “dinged” for not using sufficiently “Lutheran Language.” They noted that my answers were in line with Lutheran theology but I wasn’t using the right “words.” That sounds a LOT like indoctrination and colonizing mentality to me now. Language as weapons.

When buzz words are used as weapons of war and destruction they are elite and effective. They keep honest, intelligent, faithful people from participating in community and at the table. They are buzz words to let the powers that be know who is sufficiently indoctrinated to be let in so we can keep our layers of privilege in place. They are not freedom when we use them against someone. They are distance. They are chains. They are death.

They may have freed me from conservative to progressive Christianity, but I have no desire to use them as gate keepers to keep others OUT of progressive faith. Christ was all about undoing the damage of language and law used as weapons. He was all about tearing down the barriers and letting us be truly free.

The chart is meant to be funny. But the reality is, I heard too many folks respond with “haha… yeah let me tell you a real thing…” In other words, it isn’t really funny. We are just covering up how unfunny it can be when language is used as a weapon instead of a tool for freedom. I still have lots to learn. But this is the first step: using my words and language to discover how they have been used against me and how I may have used them against others. I don’t want to use them as weapons. I want them to be tools for freedom.