Today I lost a brother.  I had always wanted an older one and when my mom married my dad, Gary, I got two. 

Now one is dead and I have a lot of feelings about it.  (I am withholding his name out of respect for his final wishes).  Sadly, I also learned that I apparently lost him when dad died,  since I hear that am no longer considered “family” by his children, which is a whole other pain. Families can get complicated that way

I miss dad so much.   The last year he has been gone has been full of grief because he gave me so much love.  And I love the family he brought into my life so dearly.  I am broken to realize it has been a one way street for most of them and I am not sure what to do with this complicated grief right now.  I had hoped I was more than a step sister. Now I know.  40 years of life as family is gone with dads death and confirmed by his son’s death and I don’t know how to feel.

My brother was so kind and supportive of me even when he didn’t understand me.  I tried to be the same for him.  When he had a heart attack he lived with us for many months to recover.  During that time he learned of his son’s death and was so hurt that he had not been told when it happened. I wonder if he would have thought of how the same was just done to me?  Grief does weird things and maybe he asked for it to be this way.  That would just mean even more feelings I don’t know what to do with.

I held him as he wept after learning of Jimmy Lee’s death.  I listened as he raged and sat with him in the numb silence.  No matter how mad we would get at each other or family, we always got it straightened out.  He was there when I needed and I tried to be the same for him.

It’s just all so odd.  All of this.  So laden with so many emotions that I don’t know where to start feeling.

  I remember him asking that he be the one to tell his kids dad was gone.  I kept trying to reach him and finally left a message after hours of no reply.  Then we waited and waited and finally decided to go public with the death announcement.  He hadn’t told his kids.  I am still angry at him for that. And I am mad/sad I can’t tell him that anymore.  More than anything I want to hug him one more time.

I am not sure what to say now except he apparently asked not to become some “social media comment.” That is consistent with his feelings about social media. 

So that he is not just some post,  I have shared my journey of grief with you, so that if it resonates, you know you aren’t alone.
And I ask that you pick up the phone and call someone you love to let them know they matter to you, especially if you haven’t talked in a while.  Then his life and death are not some comment, but an action taken in the world that brings healing.